Someone recently asked me what my testimony was. I was put on the spot at that moment and although I was able to give them an honest answer that truly came fairly easy to me, I later stopped to think more on the question. I’ve always considered myself a Christian. I have always believed in God, that was never a doubt for me.
When Gabby had brain surgery I was mad at God. It seems so petty to me now, considering I witnessed a miracle with her surgery. At that time I couldn’t rationalize it. I was hurt, confused and just flat out angry that I was dealing with so much. Sounds selfish now. I was mad that my poor innocent child was going through pain and a life changing surgery. I felt it wasn’t fair since she had already been through so much and at times even felt she had to suffer for my sins. Like I was being punished and she was caught in the middle. Our whole family hurt.
Gabby’s first brain surgery lasted 9 hours. My family made me take a break from the waiting room at one point to stretch my legs so we ventured down to the main atrium of the children’s hospital where they had a fashion market setup. I found a sterling silver ring with a cross cutout that fit perfect on my middle finger. I bought the ring and have worn it daily since. It holds a special place in my heart since Gabby survived that day and continues to live a healthy life.
The easy thing to say next would be how I became a dedicated Christian after experiencing that miracle with Gabby. There were multiple churches praying for her through those months and so many friends and family members helping assist me in prayers that I should have seen clearly. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I felt Gabby had gone through hell for five years at that point and God was allowing her to suffer through even more when the surgery didn’t go as planned. So I tucked all my faith nice and neatly into that silver ring I wore every day and put up a hard outer shell so I wouldn’t have to admit my anger. I sucked it up and did what it took to raise my child, on my own, without God’s assistance. So I believed…
A couple of years went by and I started feeling more of a tug on my heart from the Lord. I started reading some of the bible but not much. I would talk to God at times but didn’t believe I was praying.
A year ago I reached out to a dear friend of mine, Sarah. I asked her for help with my Christianity. I knew it was time to find my way back. I’ll never forget the countless hours she spent with me on the phone. Answering what I thought was the most stupid questions and never once making me feel dumb. She was patient with me and truly cared. She showed me the way right back to our Lord, which was exactly what I needed. I’ll never forget the words she said to me when I told her about my anger and wondered if I was even a Christian at all for feeling that way. She reminded me if I could be angry with God then I must believe in him and that being a Christian didn’t exempt me from pain and anger. Those few words and the encouragement she gave me is all it took. It might sound sappy to say that day changed my life but it’s true.
A few short months later I found a church I now call home. This Spring I will have been attending for a solid year and love it. My kids love it and T is very active in the youth group, which makes me smile. I have become very close to several other members of our church and I feel blessed to have such an amazing community of believers in my life.
I haven’t blogged much about faith and religion in the past, however I felt this was a story I needed to share. I hope one day I am able to touch someone’s heart and bless them the way Sarah has blessed me.