An Empty Nest: Doldrums, Depression, Delight!

Written by: Arleen Anderson

Does the thought of your child leaving home give you the doldrums, lead to depression, or fill your heart with delight?

I’ve experienced all three to the extreme since my daughter went to college and moved out, making me an empty nester. For almost two decades most of my decisions were proceeded by, “Is this what’s best for her?”

Raising our kids with love, we are their stewards preparing them to become productive, caring, and independent adults. Part of our job as parents is to prepare them to leave home.

From the time my daughter was four, I raised her as a single parent. Blessed with flexibility at work , I was the “Room Mom,” made the car pool runs, and attended all her practices and functions. I taught her to cook, camp, fish, and garden. We’d go to the theater, hike, horseback ride, and shovel horse manure out of the stalls together.

Business trips extended into our two-person family vacations to the San Diego Zoo, Disney World, exploring Yellow Stone, riding a gondola through the canals of Venice, amongst many other special places both highly recognized and unknown by most. My daughter is the person I’ve spent the most time with in my life.

It’s natural that some co-dependency developed. Yet, I didn’t imagine how hard my daughter’s leaving home would impact me. When she moved out at eighteen I was filled pride. I was also choking on tears of great loss, and surprised at feeling a little bit angry. Then I started laughing at myself, while still crying! She was only moving across town!

She came over several times a week for dinner. I thought about all the fun things I wanted to do, could do, and should do for myself. What I did do was become a workaholic burying myself in work sixteen hours a day. No, it wasn’t very healthy.

A friend and business associate in Hawaii asked when I planned to visit again. Then he said, “Arleen, you’ve always wanted to live Aloha. Your daughter is grown. Why don’t you move here now?”

I can only describe the impact of his question as being what I imagine it’s like to find out I had the winning Super Lotto numbers! Yet, my situation hadn’t changed. What changed was my  frame of mind which I had allowed to control my actions.

Thirty days later, after selling the furniture, cars, and putting a minimal amount of sentimental and non-replaceable items in storage I moved. Staying initially with my “adopted” Tongan family helped with the transition. They have have two children and I love being “Auntie!” Bringing business to the island and jumping into the local community has helped to make Hawaii my home.

Yes, I could have become more involved in my local community and with my friends back in California. Yet, my heart had yearned to live Aloha. Are there challenges here? Of course! I’ve found working through new challenges is what keeps us growing.

How did my daughter react to the move? She picked a fight two days before I left and threw a teenage fit. She remained angry with me for “leaving her” for over a year. She did get over it.

There are two important lessons I have learned. One, we can not always foresee how we will react to major changes in our lives. Two, I am still raising my daughter, just in a different way. Pursuing what grows me and makes me a better person still has impact on her.

The irony of it is that by recognizing, and more importantly, finally internalizing that being the best me I can be is good for her – makes it easier for me! Am I still living for her? Partly. Does it matter if it’s good for both of us?

Aloha!
You can follow me in Hawaii at: http://www.AlohaArleen.com and via Twitter http://www.Twitter.com/AlohaArleen.com